Skip to main content

Anxiety is here

 Hi everyone,

    I was meaning to give you all a positive new year's update and how the new year is treating me and honestly as much as I want it to be an uplifting update where I'm at mentally right now it just wouldn't be what I'm feeling in my heart and since I told myself I was mainly making this blog for me I don't want to hide the fact that I'm not okay right now. I'm okay physically but not be in a good mental space right now and it's good to get it all out. That being said if you were looking for that happy, life's perfect blog this may not be the blog for you and for that I'm so sorry and hope you can understand I'm doing this not to be negative but to be accountable with all aspects of healing.


Now if I only knew where to begin...

For starters I just want to point out that ptsd is so so real, it's a disease that may even get worse as time goes on like how it is for me currently. It's been almost 3 years since that night and yet I still dream everything so vivid it feels like it was yesterday at times. I was doing so well too, I was actively blogging, was making little mini goals for myself and was so proud when I would accomplish them, even got excited and started doing something with my photography. I felt so proud of myself and how far I've come, so why am I now feeling the lowest I felt in a long time? 

See when covid freshly happened it was almost like a distraction for me, we had a fricken pandemic on our hands so why would I need to think about my abuse? Thats exactly what I was thinking without even realizing it. Now that the world is slowly starting to open up again and people are going back to their normal lives, I find myself not having a "normal" life to go back to. No job, no working car, no money, I feel so far behind for being 28 and not having my life together at all has me in an absolute chaos unable to make the next move. Sure, it's easy for someone to just say "why don't you just get a job then?" Easier said than done my friend, and before I say this, I want everyone to know I'm not playing the victim card, I'm not blowing things out of proportion for people to feel sorry for me because really who would anyways? The world has become so selfish and self-entitled anyways it's so hard to find your way in this world when you are such an empath, and when the feelings aren't mutual, it shows. 

You think I want to tell every single person I talk to how much I struggle on a daily just to even leave the house by myself just to go get myself a coffee due to uncontrollable panic attacks that right now have a hold of me, but I hope one day it won't. Even those days that I struggle the most I still get up every day and do what I can, even though my anxiety daily is severe I'm not a quitter. No matter how many times I fall down, cry, bleed, I'll always wipe my tears and stand up because I really feel the quote "God gave me this life because I'm strong enough to live it" and if that isn't enough strength you need to keep pushing, I don't know what else would work. When things get hard, I have to remind myself that I do have lots of supportive people who will always have my back and they deserve to see me happy and living a whole life. 

So even though leaving my house right now sends me into a straight panic I just have to keep praying and hope one day things will start getting easier again. Thats the good thing about life is things are always changing so even if you in a real dark place if you can just hold on and hold that hope good days are coming. It's funny cuz as I'm typing this thinking it was just going to be me venting about all the bad but then I'm finding myself still trying to keep the message positive by the end, like as I'm typing this, I'm feeling so much weight being lifted off my shoulders just by doing what my friend calls a "brain dump"

At the end of the day, I know I don't have to explain my triggers and trauma to anyone, but I do want the ones who are curious to maybe start to understand what it's like to live as a domestic abuse survivor. Everyone has a different story but this one is mine and even though I have no clue what I'm doing I figure if I can at least be honest with myself one day I'll look back at these posts and be proud of all the accomplishments I've made. 

Even though I got a long way to go still I'm proud of myself for never giving up.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Still figuring it out

Hey guys,   Wow it’s been so long I almost feel silly for coming back. But I told myself I was doing this for me and honestly I felt like when I typed out how I was feeling I started to kinda feel better like I was starting to really make a breakthrough on my healing process. But then I stopped. Stopped journaling, I stopped doing my morning yoga, I stopped listening to myself and got caught up in everyone else’s life and found myself in a depression phase yet again. I know things will be okay but yesterday I had finally hit a breaking point and cried for hours. How did I let myself become so consumed with stress & everyone else that I forgot about my own mental health & happiness? I stopped doing what I wanted to do. I stopped my photography, stopped working out, I lost my job. I just stopped taking care of myself until I broke. I’m only human and I know I’m not good at expressing my emotions when my mind is racing in any stressful situation and I think about all the bad t...
Post a Comment
Read more

Bye bye WA

I always thought I’d forever be a Washington girl. I always talked about traveling the world but the thoughts of actually doing it never seemed as close as they actually were. But I guess that’s the crazy thing about life, you really never know what’s coming next. In a short month (if that) I will be packing up everything & moving to Virginia. Like across the country, different time zone, what? I still can’t process everything that’s been going absolutely insane in my head recently, like I’m so mentally tired recently I can hardly think. It’s a bittersweet chapter that I’m so excited for & yet fearing the unknown is an understatement. The thoughts of leaving my family make my heart hurt so bad. My family is my everything. My mom has literally been my rock through every hard stage I’ve had in my life & she has always been by my side. My entire family pretty much lives in Wa with a few exceptions so being the first one to really “leave” the nest is overwhelming, but I’m ready...
Post a Comment
Read more

South life: month update

  Well, it has officially been a little over a month (already?) since I packed up everything & moved my little life all the way from Washington to Virginia. I can’t believe it’s already been that long. Time seriously feels like it’s flying. But with that being said I can truly say that I’m happy here, still adjusting to the little culture shock I got once I arrived, but I’m happy. I’m finding myself not so worried about things that overtook my mind in Washington & I can actually feel like I can breathe again. It’s almost like my mind & body needed this transition.   I needed away from all the rain, especially as we come into winter where my seasonal depression usually hits the hardest. I’ll be curious to just see if even just more sun will make me happier. Winter for whatever reason was always so hard for me, all the trees losing their leaves so quick you don’t really get much of a fall at all and it’s one of my favorite seasons. Here we get all four seasons and I’...
Post a Comment
Read more